The Disappearing Bikini Briefs!

Sage had had enough.

Everywhere she looked—every magazine she picked up—spouted the same relentless mantra:

Diet. Diet. Diet.

It was a mantra she was studiously ignoring.

Sage wasn’t daft.

Dieting doesn’t work.

Healthy eating is the answer.

And then there was that dreadful word…

Exercise.

Sage knew she probably needed to eat a little more healthily—or risk ending up like some of her friends, whom she affectionately referred to as “the Teletubbies.”

(Not to their faces, of course—she wasn’t a monster.)

The weather had been glorious of late, and Sage couldn’t wait to get out into the garden and soak up some sunshine.

She was, however, in for a rather nasty surprise…

Due to a busy social life—and some truly impressive disorganisation—Sage hadn’t managed to sunbathe for a full four weeks.

A tragedy.

She loved a golden glow.

Which, let’s be honest, in the UK usually meant progressing from iceberg white… to something vaguely resembling a whisper of beige.

Still—progress is progress.

Her tan had been coming along nicely.

Top half: faintly sun-kissed.

Bottom half: blindingly white.

Balance.

Nothing, however, could have prepared Sage for what happened next.

There she was—minding her own business—stretched out on a sun lounger, not a care in the world.

Then…

For reasons unknown, she lifted her head and glanced down at her body.

And paused.

Confusion set in.

Because Sage was quite certain—absolutely certain—that when she had positioned herself on that lounger…

She had been wearing bikini briefs.

Yes.

No doubt about it.

So where were they now?

They had… disappeared.

Completely.

Gone.

Sage froze.

How could this be?

She was fairly confident she would have noticed someone removing them.

And she certainly hadn’t wandered into the garden in the nude.

Had she?

Unlikely.

Her mind began to race.

Were there… naughty elves in the garden?

Had they silently crept up and snipped them off while she dozed?

It wasn’t entirely out of the question.

Sage had heard of such things.

Then another thought struck her.

Dissolvable swimwear.

Yes.

People did play such pranks.

Husbands, in particular.

Had her husband done this?

Was he inside, at this very moment, waiting…

Listening…

Poised for the inevitable shriek?

Surely not.

And really—was she sweating enough to dissolve her own bikini bottoms?

That seemed… excessive.

Then—

It dawned on her.

They hadn’t disappeared.

Her stomach… was hiding them.

In just four short weeks, Sage’s stomach had expanded to such an extent that it now completely obstructed her view of her bikini briefs.

On closer inspection, she also noticed something else…

Her hip bones had vanished.

Entirely.

That was several months ago now.

Sage has been wary of lying flat ever since.

She hasn’t seen her feet in a while either.

She takes a steady breath.

Just… b-r-e-a-t-h-e.

Perhaps it’s all just a bad dream.

Sage wishes.